Forgiveness.

When you don't forgive someone, it's usually them who gets off easy, and you're the one stuck with the consequences. Holding onto grudges eats up your time and energy, throwing in extra stress hormones like cortisol into the mix. It's like carrying around a bag of negative emotions that just won't go away. At its best, it leaves you feeling generally uneasy, but at its worst, it can turn into this constant anger that messes with how you see everything – your life events, your loved ones, and even yourself. And, you know, constantly thinking negatively can mess with your brain in a way that's almost like experiencing physical pain.

But, here's the interesting part: forgiving is actually good for you. Studies show it helps with stress, lowers blood pressure, relaxes your muscles, and gives your immune system a boost. Plus, there's this freeing feeling when you let go of that weight.

But let's be real, forgiving is tough. Especially for those who've been through some seriously rough stuff like losing a loved one or facing abuse. The good news is that forgiveness, according to studies, is a skill you can learn.

Now, before we jump into how to forgive, let's agree on what forgiveness means. Some people think forgiving means letting the other person off the hook, like saying it's okay or giving up on justice. But that's not what we're talking about here. The forgiveness we're after is more about you, and it's a choice. It's about taking control of how you feel. It doesn't mean you're okay with what happened or that you're giving up on what's right.

Forgiveness and justice can go hand in hand. You can forgive someone who messed with your money and still take them to court to get it back. It's about how you choose to feel and not letting the other person's actions mess with you.

Another thing people often get wrong is thinking forgiving means you have to face the person, apologise, or make up with them. Nope, not true for what we're talking about. Forgiveness and reconciliation are different things. Forgiving only needs one person – you. You can forgive someone and still decide they're not welcome in your life. You can forgive someone who's not around anymore. You can even forgive someone who doesn't think they need forgiving.

Forgiveness is your decision about how you want to feel and how much control you want to give this grudge. It's not a gift you're giving to someone else; it's a gift to yourself.

There's this analogy by Dr. Fred Luskin that paints a vivid picture of what happens in your mind when you don't forgive. It's like having these planes – your unresolved grievances – flying around on an air traffic controller's screen. Most other planes have landed, but your grievances keep circling, taking up space, and draining resources. It's stressful, and it can lead to burnout.

When you're hurt, your body goes out of whack. Stress chemicals increase, and you end up using a ton of energy just keeping those planes circling. Grieving is supposed to bring you back to balance, but if you don't forgive, you never really finish that process. Your mind and body stay disrupted, and those planes keep on circling. After a while, you get so used to them in the air that you forget what a clear sky feels like.

And here's the kicker – by not forgiving, you're giving the person who hurt you a ton of power over you. No matter who they are or what they did, they become this constant, hovering presence in your life. There's this invisible tie, connecting you to them instead of helping you walk away and move on.

But it doesn't have to be like that. Just because someone hurt you doesn't mean you have to keep suffering. Everyone can learn to forgive, no matter how impossible it might seem. And there are tricks and techniques out there to help you do it.

First things first – be aware. Next time you catch yourself stuck on one of those planes, pay attention to how your body feels. And when you're ready, try out things like writing about your feelings or meditating to help you let go. It's a process, but it's worth it for your own peace of mind and moving forward.